RNC: Sarah Palin’s Speech Recap

We here at COUGAR HQ are proud card carrying democrats (as our grampa said, “I registered democrat cuz I looked at em and said ‘they need the most help!’”) and we’ve voted democrat at least once since 1964. But we’re really starting to warm up to this McCain/Palin ticket, not least of all because Palin’s a white woman who represents no threat to our lifestyle (if you wanted to protect abortion rights you shoulda been born 30 years ago! Suck it, Feminism!) but we still get to feel good about ourselves for voting for CHANGE IN 2008 (a woman VP! As long as she isn’t actually leading I think the Bible is ok with that).

Her speech tonight at the RNC just made us love her even more. That smile. That wit. That large family whom she speaks at length about so that the media elite can recognize they are off limits. That entire convention dedicated to telling us to like her. It’s the complete package!

Here’s our favorite moment from tonight’s speech. She really has renewed our commitment!

Great COUGAR Moments Pt. 1: Mike Gravel

COUGAR is taking an extended vacation to enjoy the fact that Labor Day means we can get out of our cubicle and complain about politics somewhere else.

But we couldn’t go without highlighting one of our favorite COUGARs, a man who represents all of the COUGAR ideals, Former US Sen and current Libertarian Hell-raiser Mike Gravel.

Mike Gravel was mocked, ridiculed, scorned, and ignored by the Democratic party during the 2008 primaries because he dared to speak the truth. The voices of Old white dudes can not be silenced!

Mike Gravel knows that if you want to expose the Main Stream Media (MSM) for its reverse-racist, reverse-sexist, reverse-partisan tactics the best method is to keep yourself relevant. How has he done this? By throwing the metaphorical rock of his self into the pond of the Libertarian party.

He may not be able to make any ripples in the Democrats, but with any luck he can make waves as a member of a Third Party that shares his goal of being irrelevant to mainstream america!

Sarah Palin: COUGAR?

Is Sarah Palin a COUGAR?

Maybe not, despite the fact that this blog is, presently, the number one search result for that term. To all of you who ponder this question: Take Heart! You clearly want to see a COUGAR in the White House as much as us, and we plan on continuing to exploit your nefarious searches until we get our wish!

Why isn’t Sarah Palin a COUGAR?

She’s Caucasian, certainly!

Old, no! At 44, she’s young and, as a complete outsider to Washington politics, perhaps a bit innocent?

Ugly? Why of course not! She is like Tina Fey, if Tina Fey were a soccer mom with an updo! She is actually only like Tina Fey inasmuch as she is white, has glasses, and is a woman. Good enough for us!

Grumpy? Not as far as we can tell. She is from Alaska, though, so she’s probably too crazy to actually count as Grumpy.

Ain’t Republican? Double Negative! She’s, as far as anyone can guess, a fiscal conservative, a social conservative, and a small-town blue collar conservative. Apparently there are lots of conservatives in Alaska, actually. We don’t really remember what happened on Northern Exposure so we can neither confirm nor deny this.

Why yes, some fries would be lovely to go along with this shake! Thank you!

There you have it: Sarah Palin fits only the C of COUGAR.

Hillary Clinton? Now THERE’S a COUGAR. If only she were a dude.

BREAKING NEWS: McCain Picks VP, finally a fresh, outsider voice!

CNN is reporting that John McCain has chosen Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin for his VP slot. The first term Alaskan Senator is, if you ask us, the perfect choice: A Washington outsider whose brief political career includes ethics reforms and helping low-income families. This is the perfect counterpoint to Washington insider Joe “bin” Biden, who has spent so much time in Washington that he doesn’t even know how to drive out, he has to take the train!

McCain/Palin is the ticket needed to bring just what Washington needs: Change in the VP slot, where it can’t do any harm!

The Messiah SPEAKS!

Barack “Omaha” gave his “Victory” speech yesterday to a crowd of 80,000 people who probably thought they were getting to see The Jonas Brothers. Even Kool-Aid drinker John Dickerson saw right through the empty rhetoric, saying that the speech was “downright dull.”

If you ask us, there’s no reason to spend 45 minutes talking about how you plan on changing things if you don’t have any experience already changing the things that need changing!

Barack Obama Now Thinks He’s Good Enough To Stand In Front of ROMAN CLASSICAL ARCHITECTURE!

With Barack “Usain Bolt” Obama’s big pat on his own back just minutes away, everyone is still talking about how he’ll spend the evening standing in front of big white columns. I for one join in the cry of “foul!” Everyone knows the kind of elitism that comes with surrounding yourself with monuments and making yourself look historic won’t win anyone over!

So can we go to the Corn Palace now?

Truly Barack Obama is the most elistist, most arrogant, most self-centered, most unprepared candidate whose name is funny and who doesn’t look like me. I’m not going to sit idly by anymore!

And for those of you who think it’s about race, it’s not! If anything, calling Barack Obama out on being ELITIST for having gone to COLLEGE and having made AT LEAST A COUPLE HUNDRED GRAND is a big step forward! Witness for yourself:

Portrayal Of Obama As Elitist Hailed As Step Forward For African Americans

What it means to be a COUGAR: I thought the Acronym kind of explained it but I guess I can go a little deeper

Last night’s trifecta of COUGAR heavy-weight speeches at the DNC showcased exactly why the Democratic party is great: it’s filled with guys who are Caucasian, Old, Ugly, Grumpy, and Ain’t Republican. Three old white dudes can do in a single night what it took Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, some eskimos, and a bunch of other old white dudes to do in TWO whole nights. Nevermind that the thing they all did was talk about the greatness of a guy who is neither Caucasian NOR Grumpy. The COUGARs proved that if you want results you have to get them yourself, if you can’t stand the heat get out of the smoking room, and a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

In honor of the DNC’s Wednesday Night theme of “COUGAR Pride,” COUGAR HQ is proud to present this handy guide to what it means to be Caucasian, Old, Ugly, Grumpy, And not Republican:

C- True, the “C” in COUGAR explicitly stands for caucasian, but that doesn’t mean you can judge a cougar by the color of his skin.  It’s more about a set of real American values. “Caucasian” in America means you have to work hard to get ahead, thus if you’re behind in any way it is a clear indication that you must not be trying.

O- Age breeds wisdom. Sure, everyone was young once, but if there’s one thing we can all agree on it’s that EXPERIENCE COUNTS. How are you going to fight against something like longstanding corruption, broken promises, and failed systems in Washington if you’ve never actually screwed up systems, lied, or been corrupt?

U- There are people who are ugly internally, and there are people who are ugly externally. Sure, basically every major politician is an Ivy league-educated multi-millionaire whose idea of fun includes windsurfing, but only the good looking ones are actually elitist. If you’re ugly it’s a physical manifestation that you’re just like the regular Joe!

G- Why is the COUGAR mad? Because it’s 2008, America has thrived for over 200 years, and this great country’s rich beautiful history has been written, forgotten, rewritten, and poorly taught exclusively by Old Ugly Rich White Guys the entire time. Now all of a sudden the Democratic party has decided to ignore the very people who made it great and the Main Stream Media (M&M) has perpetuated these reverse-sexist, reverse-racist, reverse-misogynist, reverse-ridiculous ideas. Not long ago the idea of a handsome wealthy posterchild of the party having a lurid affair while his wife recovered from a battle with cancer would have been the scandal that cost us an election. This year it’s forgotten within a matter of weeks!

A R- Let’s be serious. You can’t be a White Old Ugly dude feeling disenfranchised if you’re a Republican. Those guys might be grumpy about a lot of things, but at least their party hasn’t completely abandoned them.

There you have it: what it means to be a real COUGAR. Despite what Google Image Searches might lead you to believe, this is what a REAL cougar looks like:

We've always been mad as hell, and we were never going to take it in the first place!

COUGAR@DNC Watch: Bill Clinton

Depends on what your definition of "old white dude" is.

You had us there, for a second, Bill Clinton.

You almost made Barack Obama sound like an old white dude.

Then we realized you wrote your speech as though you were talking about ’92 Bill Clinton and just replaced all the ‘Clinton’ references with ‘Obama’ references.

One thing Clinton didn’t need any Mad-Libs style editing for, though, was Joe Biden. Oh Bill, you Old Ugly Grump, you know how to encourage COUGAR unity!

Just remember everybody: Caucasian, Old, Ugly, Grumpy, Ain’t Republican. Three out of five ain’t bad. Maybe this O’Bama fellow is worth a second look. If worse comes to worse at least we still have Biden to fill ALL of the categories.

Action!!

Ah my contact lens!

August 27, 2008 marks a new day in the history of American politics! Here’s why!:

1. Bill Clinton will talk tonight at the DNC, and we hope he will be grumpy!
2. Caucasian Old Grump Ted Stevens won his primary! Sure, he’s republican, but it sends a strong message to the pro-informed voting media!
3. Today is the 88th Anniversary of complaining about the reverse-misogynist agenda nagging the country into submission!
4. Brother Against Brother watch: Civil War in Scarborough Country!
5. Most Importantly: The Birth of COUGAR!

Welcome to the official home of COUGARs everywhere: Caucaisian, Old, Ugly, Grumpy, Ain’t Republican!

This site will keep you informed of what it means to be a white, upper middle class, male democrat while the rest of the mainstream media continues their reverse-racist, reverse-misogynist, reverse-sexist, and reverse-ridiculous tirades against us! No longer will we sit quietly while our once great party continues to support Brak O’Bama’s anti-old white man agenda! No longer will we allow the Hellary Can’twin supporters to dominate the news cycle with their tired whines! We want to whine too!

We’ve always been mad as hell, and we were never going to take anything!

PUMA: “Old White Men are All We Care About!”

The former Anti-COUGARS at PUMA have not spoken, and their silence is deafening: Why listen to Hillary when you can listen to Grumpy Old White Guys?

PUMA‘s official site was apparently as bored by Hillary’s DNC speech as we were, because they didn’t even bother to report on it! They did read a fanfic and find it pretty interesting earlier in the evening on August 26, but my guess is they got so wrapped up by old Leno clips that they skipped Hellary Can’twin’s speech altogether.

We personally got so entranced by Montana Gov. Brian Schwietzer’s bolo that we were taken by surprise by the hazmat pantsuit, whose brightness rendered us temporarily blind and fumbling for the remote. We were lucky to change the channel to Friends reruns just after she started asking us if we were in the campaign just for her or if we were in it for… we can only assume she followed that with “Ross used to have a pet monkey!” because that was the next thing we heard.

The PUMA HQ folks apparently lucked out and missed it. From what we gather it was a lot about… uniting something. If it had been about uniting our country to speak out against elaborate set design then they’d be kicking themselves right now. But turns out she spoke mostly about boring stuff that broads apparently get all weepy over.

Will PUMA ever respond to Hillary’s speech? Why would they? From what we can gather their main focus is in keeping with our goals here at COUGAR: Reporting on why old grumpy white guys are WAY better than Barrack O’Biden! They’re currently courting the “young white college male who eats too many fritos” demographic, AKA The Daily Show Viewers, and expressing visions of ‘“Obama” being chased and brought down by a brown dog.’ We’re more Grand Cougar than Grand Dragon, but as long as they’re working to ensure that the voice of the Caucasian Old Ugly Grumpy man is heard we’ll stick with the old “the enemy of my enemy” adage.